Wednesday 29 February 2012

In and Out of God - God and the Bible

These Golden-Brown Pages

Ever since that fateful Saturday morning when the Holy Spirit arrested me and laid me prostrate in his presence, my love for the Bible has never waned. Even today, though I don’t believe in God, I still appreciate the Bible for its wisdom and interesting stories, just not as a holy book. There are some parts of it, however, that could be done away with.

The Bible was the first thing I fell in love with after my conversion experience. I remember rushing home to tell my mother that I had gotten ‘slain’ in the prayer meeting I went to and that I needed to get a Bible of my own. She ridiculed me, saying that I was just playing the fool, but gave me an old, golden-brown paged Bible never the less. I guess it made her happy to see her son actually interested in things holy.

The pages were well oiled, so to speak, and one of them was sticking out of the middle as though trying to get out. It was the beloved Psalm 23 - “Yahweh is my shepherd, I lack nothing.” Half of itself was missing, sadly. An old wives’ tradition was to place a copy of the Word of God at the foot of a child’s crib to ward off any uninvited spiritual guests – emphasis on the word ‘foot.’ The Psalm was unceremoniously ripped across its centre by my own baby-feet, probably while crying for ‘tea-tea’.  

I love that story for its irony. The same feet that were used to tear the Bible apart, were the same feet I would use to “Go forth and preach.” “How lovely on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news!” Isaiah 52:7. My feet were made lovely, thank goodness.

Wednesday 22 February 2012

In and Out of God - God and Morality

God is good all the time and all the time God is good.


It is a central tenet of traditional Christianity that God is omnibenevolent or all-good. This very complicated philosophical claim has been neatly packaged into a popular opening line used by many preachers for their homilies/sermons. I am not certain of this, but I think it is a uniquely Caribbean refrain, a testament to our creativity.


Priest/Pastor/Brother/Sister - God is good!
Congregation - All the time!
Priest/Pastor/Brother/Sister - And all the time!
Congregation - God is good!
AMEN!


For about two years of my life as an active Christian, I would join wholeheartedly in this back and forth, call and answer ritual between leader and led. The feeling that one gleans doing something in unison with a large crowd is like no other. You become part of something larger than yourself, so large that you actually lose yourself entirely after being subsumed into the crowd; you're at the mercy of the preacher.



If you remember well from the introduction of this series, I related to you that I had become somewhat of a preacher myself. Being part of the prayer group in a Catholic school, the Principal was more than willing to give some of us the opportunity to lead the school's morning prayers once or twice each week. I also helped other, more experienced preachers, with their own ministries around the country. Eventually I started getting calls to do ministry on my own. I couldn't resist using the refrain to start many of my talks because it gave me a sense of power over the audience. It brought excitement and centered everyone around what I was about to say when the excitement subsided. 
Me giving a talk in my old parish. 

Wednesday 15 February 2012

In and Out of God - God and Suffering.

This marks the beginning of a most uncomfortable story. I will be sharing my journey through life, a journey where I moved 'In and Out of God'. Most people know me as a devout Catholic. I was a leader in a prayer group, preached at many retreats, defended the faith publicly without shame, seriously considered becoming a priest, did missionary work, and I became the editor of Vision, the youth supplement of the Catholic News in Trinidad and Tobago. 


I was hoping to save this bit for the end but I realised that some people can't read between the lines very well, and I prefer to be understood than anything else. My journey took me from agnosticism to Catholicism to a hippie-type Catholicism to pantheism back to agnosticism and finally, today I'm an atheist. To be clear, I am an agnostic atheist. I do not think that the existence of God is knowable, at least not currently, but I do not believe in the God I once did or any proposed for me to believe in thus far. 


The journey was not as linear as it would appear to be in the series but it was written this way for clarity and so that a greater number of people would find themselves within the pieces. The titles in the series all take the form 'God and....' because I have noticed that throughout life, we always find ourselves trying painstakingly hard to reconcile our ideas of God with some element of our experience of reality. It results either in a redefining of God, a new perspective on our experiences, or blocking out reality all together and having eyes only for heaven. I experienced all three. And so with that, we begin...